Reflection
Scripture can be so reassuring when the texts tell us how deeply and completely God knows us. God knows when I sit or stand, knows my inmost thoughts, knows my words before I speak, knows the intentions of my heart, knows my sins (including my most egregious ones) …knows me inside and out.
Yet that same thought can be frightening. I can’t hide anything from God! In the divine presence, I am naked and vulnerable, and I don’t like being naked and vulnerable. I’ve experienced too many times when vulnerability, rather than being rewarded and enriched, results in hurt and abuse. So instead, I like to be safe and protected, to establish boundaries, barriers, and walls that I can live behind, coming out only at certain times to certain people.
So, can I trust this God from whom I can’t hide anything? Part of me absolutely does, because God has seen me through my worst times of hurt, grief, loss, and abuse. In fact, I don’t know how I would have gotten through without God. Yet my past experiences can still trigger that instinct to hide. I too often procrastinate or avoid my contemplative prayer time, or I look away instead of meeting God eye to eye.
It’s scary to be so fully known and to surrender, to admit that I am not the master of my own life.
Of course, my lack of openness doesn’t stop God from knowing me – that’s just reality – and I think sometimes God must smile at my childish efforts to hide, like a toddler who thinks I can’t see her when her own eyes are closed.
When I do open myself, though, when I take time to pray and sit in God’s presence and when I turn my heart over to its Source and Sustenance, I change.
Sometimes it’s subtle or occurs incrementally over time. At other times, I experience a power infinitely greater than myself and a depth of love that brings me to tears, to which I can only respond with humility, awe, and gratitude.
As a present-day disciple, I want God to increase my faith. But that means it’s up to me to open doors, take down walls and barriers, and tap into the ever-present love of the God who longs for me. So, what are your barriers? What keeps you from recognizing the God who fully knows you and from whom you can’t hide? What makes you keep pretending that you aren’t “worthy” enough for God to care? How can you dismantle walls, open doors, and tap into God’s crazy, infinite, passionate love for you? How can you increase your trust in God’s desire to heal and transform you?
Let’s renew our focus, dedicate ourselves to prayer, and soften our hearts so that the God who knows us may enter more deeply and increase our faith, knowing that even a little faith can move mountains.
Thank you for this reflection. It comes at a very appropriate moment for me
I’m heartened to know that my words are meaningful for you, Talib. I will be praying for you, that God may indeed increase your faith and that you may know the richness of divine love.