Reflection
Intellectually, I’ve always believed that God’s will for me is much better than my human plans. I’ve prayed to do God’s will and to be a transparent instrument of God’s healing and loving power. At the same time, I’ve worked hard to be healthy, knowledgeable, competent, strong, and capable. I sacrifice for those I love, travel for work in a field where I’m respected, cook and bake, and completely care for my house, yard, and garden.
What I didn’t realize is how much my own abilities allowed me to avoid surrendering to God. I’m realizing my underlying attitude: “I can take care of myself, thank you. I’m in charge, and my choices, habits, and activities are keeping it that way. Don’t worry about me; I’ve got this.” Oh, temporarily, when my world has fallen apart, I’ve had to face the reality that I’m not in control. Sometimes I’ve had little choice but to surrender and trust. Yet as I’ve come out of each crisis with resilience and strength, I’ve gradually put myself back in the driver’s seat.
Repeatedly and increasingly, though, God and life show me that my sense of control is an illusion. In the past few years, I’ve lost many things and people I thought I could hang onto, even if only by sheer force of will. And despite my healthy habits, I’ve recently had unexpected health issues and discovered significant structural problems in my spine causing pain and diminished activity. As Hosea writes, I can’t rely on the work of my hands as if I were a self-created god. Each loss and tragedy has taken me deeper into the reality of my ultimate dependence.
I want to return more fully to the persistently faithful God who holds, sustains, forgives, guides, and loves me. As Jesus reminds us, the Spirit will give us what we need.
I will prosper, but only if I cede the driver’s seat back to God. Can I finally stop trying to dictate my life, expecting God to comply? Can I finally relinquish control?
So now my prayer joins with the psalmist in asking God for a clean and willing heart – one that is open and receptive to the Spirit and yearns to trust as the disciples did when they were sent out. I’m surrendering yet again, allowing the river of God’s love to flow through and around me, and continuing to chip away my notion of and desire for control. What form will that take going forward? I don’t know, but I trust the One who does.
- How are you learning these lessons in your own life?
- Can we join our prayers together for the good of all?
- Can we be as wise and prudent as scripture encourages us to be?
It’s a lifelong challenge, but perhaps we can go deeper together.
