Reflection
Now the older son had been out in the field and, on his way back, as he neared the house, he heard the sound of music and dancing. He called one of the servants and asked what this might mean. The servant said to him, ‘Your brother has returned and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ He became angry, and when he refused to enter the house…
-Luke 15:25-28
“Oh Lord I am not worthy, that thou should’st come to me…” (Catholic Gregorian Chant) I was singing along with the student body as I processed up to receive communion. I was ten years old attending mass with my class as we used to do in the 1950’s. As I walked, a feeling came over me that somehow life as I knew it was about to change. Later, in the classroom lining up to go home for lunch, Sister mentioned to me to go straight home. That, I thought, was kind of odd. She never said anything like that before and where else would I go. When I reached the corner with my twin brother and a few friends, one of them pointed out that there was a hearse parked in front of my house. My brother Dave and I took off running and arrived at our home just in time to see our mother’s remains being carried out in a canvas bag on a gurney. Three of our aunts where on top of the steps with their hands reaching out to us. I ignored them and started running—to where I don’t know, but I kept running for the next thirty-five years. I was mad and as angry as I could be. Why was I treated so badly—all my friends still had their mothers at home taking care of them.
Today, I realize that anger was the seat of a resentment that I carried for the next thirty-five years. I didn’t express that anger by striking out, but rather by striking in, believing that God couldn’t love me. If God did love me, he never would have let that happen to me or my mother. I must be fatally flawed. At forty-five I learned differently, but only through the loving support of a confessor/sponsor, a therapist and a supportive family and community. I learned that being angry, hurt me and that I had the gift of my mother for ten years, and never for one day in my life wanted for loving care and support. I was loved, cared for and I could love and care for others.
How can I thank Thee for such a gift as this, a gift that truly fills my soul with heavenly bliss.
The last verse of the above chant. God, help me take the leap of faith that despite all the crazy things going on in my life and in the life of the world around me, to believe that You are in charge and that all will be well.
Thank you Dan.
Oh my how anger plays such tricks on us and others. First, one must realize that the resentments we hold is a form of anger. Then we must learn how to discharge it before it does self harm. As a practicing Catholic, I am so thankful for the sacrament of reconciliation which helps me to release it.