Reflection
I know the dark satisfaction of revenge, of hurting someone who hurt me. I want them to accept full responsibility and to suffer as much as I did. I want my pain-fueled version of justice, with apologies, groveling, and repayment. Even then, I want power to withhold my love.
These reactions aren’t random. They’re often rooted in childhood, when we were powerless to defend ourselves from hurt, abandonment, or abuse. Hitting back is our desperate attempt to reclaim control, dignity, and protection. It’s vital to acknowledge these feelings, with a dose of compassion for the younger version of ourselves who simply wanted the pain to stop.
Yet it’s equally important to grow up and not live there. Jesus warns of the consequences of unforgiveness, but perhaps the torment is not primarily divine judgment. When we stay stuck, feeding our hate and revenge, it slowly shapes our character. We become increasingly angry, bitter, insecure people whose base instinct is to hurt in return. We trap ourselves in a cycle of darkness that punishes us at least as much as it punishes the offender.
Besides, unforgiveness holds my heart hostage to someone else’s bad actions. I hand them power – power over my sleep, my appetite, my peace, my joy. And it inevitably spills over into other relationships, corroding trust and tenderness.
Please understand that forgiveness does not mean the offender’s actions were OK; they weren’t, aren’t, and never will be. Nor does it require abandoning the pursuit of justice. Forgiveness means letting go of my demand for revenge, my resentment and hate, my desire to see them suffer. I take back my heart and my power, freeing myself from their control.
Now, forgiveness isn’t instantaneous, unless perhaps for small offenses. For profound hurts, it involves a long, uneven road of prayer, processing, and even therapy. I’ve experienced deep hurt and betrayal and was only able to release those emotions gradually over time.
Even now, they sometimes resurface. The important thing is to stay engaged in the process, determined to reach the goal of freeing my heart.
Finally, forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation. An equally faithful response, especially when reconciliation isn’t wise, is to establish distance and boundaries, or to leave the relationship altogether. In every case, forgiveness can be unilateral, even if there’s no apology or remorse, but reconciliation cannot. Reconciliation requires mutual repentance, repair, accountability, and a shared commitment to avoid recurrence. This is only worth it if both people want it and are willing to do the hard work.
In all cases, forgiveness is essential for psychological and spiritual health. I continue working on it, encouraged by the experience that whenever I forgive, however imperfectly, space opens within my heart. Where resentment once tightened its grip, God’s love begins to settle and heal. I feel freer, with palpable peace and joy.
So, the question is: Whose actions still hold power over you? What forgiveness is Jesus calling you to work on?
This Lent, let’s choose this slow, holy process that leads to freedom.
What a wonderful, wonderful reflection for these times. Thank you, Amy.