Scripture:
2 Corinthians 9:6-10
John 12:24-26
Reflection:
Whenever I’m going through a difficult time, I have trouble maintaining focus in my contemplative prayer practice. I recently became increasingly frustrated – and guilty – over my failures to still my thinking brain. I tried mightily to sit in silence. But my mind persistently wandered away as I worked to make sense of things, figure out issues in my life, and find answers. I let God in, but usually it was to beg for help, guidance, and strength. My inability to focus was like the disciples in the Garden, and I imagined Jesus asking if I couldn’t just stay with him for a while and pray.
Then I realized the problem was my insistence on remaining in charge. I wanted to make sense of it myself, and then make my own decision on what to do. Yes, I begged God for help, but I wasn’t really listening to that still voice inside because my own voice was too loud. I was clinging to the life I knew, the solutions I knew, and the strategies that worked for me in the past. Like the grain of wheat that needed to die, I was encased in the hard seed shell of my own workings under the guise of prayer.
Somehow, and only eventually, the Spirit penetrated my shell anyway and challenged me. Instead of begging God to guide me, could I admit that God already was? Instead of proclaiming my trust in God, could I sit quietly in true trust without having to say anything myself? Could I deeply let myself be loved for a few minutes, knowing that God is working in me in ways I don’t even understand? Could I let go of control, what I “knew”, the things of life that I loved, and my need to figure it out, and let God be God in me? Could I die to myself and get out of God’s way?
My prayer since then has been different. My mantra is trust. In fact, when my mind wanders and thoughts pop up, I repeat “trust” over and over, giving my mind something to focus on while I sink below it into God’s presence. It’s hard to explain in logical ways. Yet I know the experience of letting God draw me downward, into a peaceful embrace that needs no words, thoughts, or decisions. It feels like “doing nothing”, but God is never doing nothing. In mysterious ways, I am being changed. When I end my prayer time and return to life, I don’t have immediate clarity but I am more content with that. I trust that God is working, and in God’s time, I will see the path to take.
So every day I sit and practice contemplative prayer again. As Thomas Keating wrote, the only way I can “fail” is to not show up. If I show up, God works. My tight little seed shell is cracking open. I am letting go, allowing myself to “lose” aspects of life that I love. In the process, new life is emerging and I am growing in good ways.
To what are you clinging that keeps you from fully trusting God? Can you join me in devoting more time to sitting in God’s presence in a prayerful stance of surrender? Can you refuse to cling to yourself and your present life, to “let go and let God”? Let’s try it together.
Amy Florian is a teacher and consultant working in Chicago. For many years she has partnered with the Passionists. Visit Amy’s website: http://www.corgenius.com/.